Time for a long, overdue update. I’ve had so much going on these passed few months — I didn’t even know where to begin with everything. I’m sure my little here n’ there posts expressed obvious unpleasantness, but I didn’t know how to come out and straight up convey the heart break I was really going through. With the stress of school on top of it and striving to finally finish up my prenursing requisites (and I finally did!), there wasn’t exactly time to sit down and vent about it via online. I had to turn to friends to help me keep my sanity, and once again — they delivered. :) Having many old friends visit from different parts of the world visit also helped me keep busy, and it really did help keep my mind off everything. Drunken nights out until 6AM were bliss compared to having to sulk at home, trying to fall asleep alone.

Since summer began for me, May 19th to be exact — it’s been nonstop good times. This has been my first time so far to have a night to myself. After a workout at the gym, I took a cold shower, threw on some sweats, cuddled up in bed with some soup and warm tea. Smoking hookah and laying down, I decided to pick up my laptop and de-stress. Now that school is over, I’ve been able to spend a lot of time with friends and family. My hours at work have definitely increased also, after bumping heads with my main manager these passed few months also… And ranking as #1 for the whole store, even beating the full-timers, proved my value to the company again. It was the best way to get revenge over her crazy negativity and obvious grudge against me. The numbers say it all! :) When she gave me my April evaluation, it seemed to hurt her to praise me… and she had to ruin my moment by following it with a “we need to talk” shpeel. She said I don’t take my job seriously and talked about how with the economy being bad, I need to take pride in my job — especially because I get paid so well. She said although school is important, I need to understand my job is too. I never said it wasn’t, but she acts as if this is my dream job. Just because she got stuck with a career in retail doesn’t mean I need to dedicate my life selling. I already deliver with my numbers… how am I NOT taking it seriously? -___-

So, yes… There was struggle with school and work, but all that is solved now. The real issue that I haven’t discussed was the really painful part. The story is too long and frankly too horrible to go into detail with, but in a nutshell — the man I love basically acted a damn fool. Excessive unnecessary amounts of alcohol were involved, but it was no excuse. It was probably one of the scariest, most terrifying moments of my life… to have the person who loves me and adores me basically take on a Jekyll-Hyde type persona and act in a way I never, ever would have imagined. Without going into extreme detail, let’s just say he did everything possible that a guy could do to disrespect the opposite sex. Cursing, name calling, false accusations, insults, threats, physicality… all of the above. It was such a horrible experience; I could have sworn at the time that it was a nightmare. What hurt the most is it was coming from the kindest, sweetest, most gentle man I have ever met.

I think what scared me was that how could someone like that do a complete 180? The best part — I didn’t even do anything to deserve it. Since then, he swears he will make it up to me, that he will fix our relationship no matter what it takes or how long it takes. But I’m scared it’s simply… broken. It’s just something I feel I will never get over, and I truly believe in forgiveness but feel it’s out of reach for the moment. There is no doubt I still love him. God, I do. It hurts to admit that sometimes. What kills me is he didn’t say the things he said because he was mad… it was because he knew that all of it would totally and completely hurt me to the core. And it’s not just the words he used, it was the tone. It was the look in his eyes that night. It was the fact he could look at me crying harder than I ever had, begging him to just stop… and feel nothing. I couldn’t even make an impact on him to bring it to a halt and get him to realize what he was doing. I refuse to let the alcohol be the excuse. He’s a grown man, and he needs to accept the consequences of his actions.

I won’t lie… I, myself, wish we could just rewind and erase that night. What we had was so good. So, so, so good. I was so happy and could really see us going somewhere. What’s funny is we had never been so good before. How did it flip so easily? If it were anybody else, I would give the typical obvious advice to up and leave without a second thought to it. Now I get it… easier said than done. I just feel like I’d be a hypocrite to not take my own advice. But doesn’t everyone deserve a second chance? I know I’m not perfect myself, and I can only hope that if I were to do something so extreme and unforgivable that he would look into my eyes and look into his heart to find the strength to forgive me and give me another chance too. I just… really don’t know what to do right now. I’m torn between what I know I should do and what I want. All I can say is the heart wants what it wants.

I can’t talk about this anymore right now. To be continued…