CGS.

What do you do when something inevitable keeps you from someone you want to be with? I feel like too many of my past relationships have withered and fallen short of forever because of distance as an obstacle. Unless you’ve experienced it firsthand, no one can understand how difficult it is to endure the misfortune of love when an ocean sits between your ability to see one another. And after all of the painful encounters I’ve been through in the past, there’s no chance I would ever go back to subjecting myself to such willing torture… but I can’t help but acknowledge that they were some of the most exhilarating relationships I’ve had also. You really learn to appreciate every moment with that person and learn to not take anything for granted.

My most recent long distance love saga ended well over a year ago already, and it simply ended because our lives were too hectic to maintain a relationship through phone calls, text messages, and webcam dates. We also weren’t very good at being apart. And since we were apart far more than we were together, I made a tough but much needed decision to end the torment and cut the relationship short. Sure, we started off growing distant and talking much less than what we were used to… But ultimately, we grew to be good friends. Great friends. Possibly even best friends. We could still talk, laugh and cry together. And since then, he’s visited me twice. The most recent was just a few weeks ago.

I spent a lot of time with him, while also letting him do this own thing with his friends. But it became apparent that there was, in fact, still love between the two of us. We still care about each other and we definitely still enjoy one anothe’s company without a doubt. And while it was nothing but good times and happy smiles, not once did it cross my mind for us to try to get back together. I do still have love for him, but I’m not in love anymore. Despite still having that same perfect smile that made me melt a few years ago and a charm that still entertained me so — I couldn’t help but also become bitter. How could he let us grow distant? How could he let me leave him? How could he let us fall apart? Love is patient, isn’t it? And although I became weak, why didn’t he stay strong for the both of us?

I know we all like to pretend that we share something special with each and every person we have a long term relationship with… But I truly felt an unspeakable connection on such a deep level with this individual. Even other people would say we were the opposite sex version of each other! We never fought, we were so happy… Where did it go wrong? How did we get here? He sat in front of me, with the same look in his eyes, still able to carry a good conversation with me — and I found myself becoming silently frustrated. I hadn’t seen him in nine whole months, and every moment together was nothing but pleasant… So how was I harboring all these negative feelings towards someone I had missed so much?

I wanted to confront him on all of these things, but I refrained. I remembered what I had learned from long distance love. Time together is limited, and the last thing I wanted to do was waste precious moments we were fortunate enough to spend with one another quarreling over something that could not be undone. We found ourselves in the arms of different lovers during our time apart from one another, but here we were again… still enjoying the time we were fortunate enough to share. Why did it feel like nothing had changed?

It’s because nothing had: The distance still remained. And I already knew in my mind and in my heart that attempting to give things another try would end up the way it did the first time. It was out of the question. It wasn’t even up for discussion. Was it worth the pain of being apart? Was it worth the pain of watching us fall apart? And in that moment I accepted it: We will never be what I used to want us to be. So, what do you do when something inevitable keeps you from someone you want to be with? You learn to accept it. You learn to live with it. YOU LEARN TO LET GO.